Some Thoughts On Life... Print friendly version

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.

Nostalgia is not what it used to be.

Sometimes too much to drink is not enough.

The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.

Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.

I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.

If you can smile when things go wrong you have someone in mind to blame.

Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

No matter where you go, there you are.

If at first you don't succeed, try reading the directions.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

A penny saved is a penny.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

Procrastinate now.

Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.

Drawing on my fine command of language I said nothing.

How did a fool and his money get together?

For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

To succeed in politics it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you will have to catch up.

What if there were no hypothetical situations?

He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless still dead.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

Diplomacy is the art of saying nice doggy until you can find a rock.

Clones are people, two.

Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.

Anything free is worth what you pay for it.

Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not sure.

My reality check just bounced.

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn't work anyway.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Remember half the people you know are below average.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Why is there always one in every crowd?

If all the world is a stage, where does the audience sit?

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

There is always death and taxes, however death doesn't get worse every year.

If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.

My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

I am having an out of money experience.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry.
Then things get worse.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

I didn't climb to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

First things first, but not necessarily in that order.

Measure once, curse twice.

I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know me here.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "terminal"?

I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.

How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

Snowmen fall from the sky unassembled.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

A day without sunshine is like... night.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

You can't have everything, where would you put it?

The things that come to those who wait are usually the things left by those who got there first.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Try not to let your mind wander. It is too small to be out by itself.

Schizophrenia beats being alone.

Fax is stranger than fiction.

The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the male.

The way to understand recursion is to understand recursion.

Art is anything you can get away with.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute.
If he isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing him again.

I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.

Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

Teamwork is essential - It gives the enemy other people to shoot at.

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

If dollars were dimes we would all be a lot poorer...

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, where is the ceiling?

There is a fine line between genius and insanity.
I have erased this line.

I got a sweater for Christmas...I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why is a person that handles your money called a "Broker"?

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely.

Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

 

       
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